Privacy Policy, cookies, copyright and third party content

Wow, I can’t believe you clicked onto the “Website Terms and Conditions” page. May I take a guess here? Would I be right in surmising that you come from the Legal Services industry? A…um…lawyer, perhaps? I could be wrong, of course. You might not be a lawyer. (You are, though, aren’t you? Maybe even a lawyer who - sharp intake of breath - feels your heart beat a tiny bit faster when you see the letters ‘GDPR’?)

Well regardless, you’re here now. On the Website Terms and Conditions page. Stumbled right onto the Privacy Policy. Hmm. It’s not like this is a transactional website or anything complicated. Just some information and a contact page. I mean, I suppose you could be really twitchy about data protection (oooh, cookies!!!), but even that’s pretty hardcore lawyer-y, do you not think? It is not too late to save your last shred of self-respect. You can still turn back.

No? OK, since you’re here, I don’t want to disappoint you.

First, some definitions.
I am he (“I-he“) as you are he (“You-he“) as you are me (“You-me“) and we are all together (hereinafter, “we“, together with “I-he“, “You-he” and “You-me“, shall mean the “Eggman“).

Are you still here? Really? You know, there’s a point where even really, really good coaching may be insufficient and proper therapy is required. Lawyers are terribly busy people. Is there not something more productive you could be doing with your time? Anything?

Can you see my “disappointment face”? No? That’s because I am highly trained at withholding judgement. There’s nothing inherently wrong with a website Terms and Conditions fetish. But you might want to consider taking up a hobby. Or a juicier fetish.

Alright, then, I’m going to try to get through this next part quickly so you can start using your time more constructively.

Cookies
This website uses cookies that may be stored on your computer. These cookies are harmless data files that help you to navigate the site better and help to count visitors, page view activity and other metrics (for example, how long you’ve spent on this page). These include identifying the browser you use, its screen resolution and how search engines have helped you find this site.

There’s also a really cool cookie we drop that lets me know what you’re wearing when you visit the site. I had to pay the webmaster extra for that one, but it’s entirely worth it because I like to coach people who have good taste and a strong sense of sartorial elegance.

Cookies are also used for the comment function, if you choose to use it. None of the website cookies identify you personally. However, if you make a really horrible comment, I will hunt you down. I know some very nasty people (“Nasty People”). To be fair, I also know a lot of really nice people (“Nice People”), but I probably wouldn’t send those types over to your house to seek sweet, sweet vengeance for your rude and horrid comment. I mean, they’d probably be quite effective in making you feel bad about your comment and you’d probably even apologise, but I’d have to think about whether I would prefer an apology to a photo of you in serious pain and distress at the hands of the Nasty People. I guess it will depend on how bad the comment is. So, let’s just say that I reserve the right, in my sole discretion, to send Nasty People or Nice People to your house, office or other relevant location (the “Pain Place”) to deal with any breaches of the comment policy. We’ll just leave it at that for now. Obviously, that part was just a joke since I can’t personally identify you from the cookies, so there’s no way I could track you down at the Pain Place, now is there? Or, is there…?

Anyway, cookies can be deleted or prevented by your browser controls. In case you haven’t memorised all this stuff already (you know who you are…), you can find more information about cookies at The Cookie FAQ website.

Email addresses
If you send a contact form to me, you need to enter a valid email address. If I reply to you (subject to how well you are dressed, your grammar and whether or not you use what I deem, in my sole discretion, to be too many exclamation marks), I will reply using the email address given in the form. Pretty obvious, eh? It’s not likely that I’d email you back at some other email address now, is it? Although I bet that would kind of freak you out. I will not use your email address to send you unsolicited mail, although correspondence between us may continue, if appropriate.

Email Transport
Email from the contact form is transported using standard web-based email protocols and not those vacuum tubes where you put stuff into an airtight cylinder and it gets sucked up and delivered to another part of the building. Which is a shame, because those things are pretty cool. The content is not encrypted and we take no responsibility for hijacked emails, or emails that do not reach the recipient. If your email is intercepted or taken hostage by a third party, I sincerely hope that it does not fall prey to Email Stockholm Syndrome because nobody likes to see a lovesick email getting all moony-eyed and drooly over its captors. These matters are outside our control, but we can advise you to add this website’s URL to your email white list to ensure mail delivered from this domain is not accidentally and inappropriately identified as spam by your email client. Doing this won’t help with the Stockholm Syndrome issue of course. Those cases need time, a lot of love and support and lashings of high quality dark chocolate.

Spam and nuisance mail
Please (see, I asked nicely) do not send me spam and nuisance emails. I will delete them. The system also filters out useless junk email. My webmaster is also a Voodoo High Priest and he gets even more annoyed about spam and nuisance emails than I do, so unless you want to spend all eternity as the zombie slave of a basement-dwelling webmaster (“Freaky Voodoo Webmaster”), I urge you to think twice before you hit send on that Herbal Viagra email or do any trolling or send me one of those stupid “Try to watch this without laughing” virals. I’m serious. All eternity. And it’s a very damp basement.

Your Privacy
Contact and commenting forms won’t display your email address publicly. If you submit a comment, your email address is stored in the database along with your IP address. This is part of the security system. Email addresses and IP addresses are never extracted or used for marketing purposes without your explicit consent. We won’t trade or exchange your data with third party services.

Copyright
All material published on keithkrasny.com is subject to copyright either by Mindflint II Ltd, Keith Krasny or third parties. So, in other words, not yours! This includes images, text and media files. All company logos and press material are copyright of their respective owners. That means, even if there is a passionate burning within you to do so, you are not authorised to broadcast or publicly perform, copy, adapt, issue, display or transmit any of the content or images on the site in any form without prior permission of the copyright owner. So, to paraphrase The Smiths, “If there’s something you’d like to broadcast or publicly perform, copy, adapt, issue, display or transmit (together, “Try”), if there’s something you’d like to Try, ask me and after due consideration I probably won’t say no, why should I? Just ask me, ask me, ask me.”

Disclaimer and Limitation of Liability
SOMETIMES, JUST FOR LAUGHS, I LIKE TO WRITE EVERYTHING IN ALL CAPS. IT IS LIKE SHOUTING IN THE QUIET CARRIAGE OF A TRAIN, ONLY MORE ANNOYING AND OF LESS BENEFIT TO SOCIETY. IT DOES HAVE THE ADVANTAGE OF MAKING IT ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANYONE TO READ WHAT I’M WRITING WITHOUT RISKING A SEVERE HEADACHE AND, IN EXTREME CASES, A RETINAL HERNIA. SEE, I CAN EVEN MAKE UP FAKE MEDICAL CONDITIONS WITHOUT ANYONE BEING THE WISER. YOU CAN HIDE JUST ABOUT ANYTHING IN THE ALL-CAP FOREST. I WOULDN’T BE AT ALL SURPRISED TO LEARN THAT BIGFOOT HAD FINALLY BEEN DISCOVERED HANGING OUT IN SOME DISCLAIMER OR LIMITATION OF LIABILITY CLAUSE DEEP IN THE HEART OF THE INTERNETS.

This website is provided to you free of charge, and except where prohibited by law, in no event will I be liable to you whether in contract, tort (including negligence) or otherwise, arising out of or in connection with this website. Except where prohibited by law, in no event will I be liable for any direct, special, indirect or consequential damages or any other damages of any kind resulting from whatever cause through the use of the website or any information obtained from it. This is the case even if you have taken me by the shoulders, shaken me wildly and advised me of the possibility of such damages with such vehemence that bits of foam and spittle come flying from your mouth. Your sole remedy is to stop using the website. Which would be a shame. I suspect we could talk it out (promise you’ll stop spitting) if there was really something bothering you about the website that made you feel you’d somehow suffered some type of injury. We’re grown-ups after all.

Commenting
This website allows a commenting system for visitors. Please use it respectfully and appropriately (for example, if you use ALL CAPS I will soooo delete your comment). Your comments are not automatically published without moderation, so be aware that I will see all comments before they appear publicly and, underneath my carefully curated ‘tough guy’ exterior, I am really quite sensitive. If you use comments to spam, or post inappropriate content, you will be blacklisted and your IP blocked from further visits. You may also receive a visit at your Pain Place from the Nasty People or my Freaky Voodoo Webmaster (see “Cookies” and “Spam and Nuisance Email” above).

Third party content
This site may link to and embed content from third party services, such as Youtube and social networks (which reminds me, I still have a “myspace” account floating around out there somewhere. Geez, how old skool am I?). We are not responsible for any third party information displayed on this website, although objectionable material may be removed. Third party services may also use cookies when displaying embedded content. You should check the privacy policy with each individual service for details. And you know what? Because you’re almost certainly a lawyer and you have actually read all the way down through this policy, I bet you’ll do it too. Each. Individual. Service. That’s a lot of privacy policies to keep you busy until that deadline you’re ignoring gets close enough to really kick in the adrenaline and stop you from further procrastination.

OK, you’ve done it. You’ve read the whole thing. It’s an accomplishment of sorts, I suppose, and I’m a firm believer in celebrating the little things. So, nice job. Well done you. And seriously, you should probably contact me.